There's simply no way to circumvent the truth: cycles of relational violence are perplex entanglements. There is no easy explanation as to
why they exist, there is no easy explanation as to
what sustains them, and there is no easy process to
fix them.
Why?
Because cycles of relational violence are moving targets, with many moving parts, that include many influencing factors and many contributing components, which result in infinite permutations (of cycles of relational violence).
Needless to say, with this in mind, it's incredibly challenging to apply abstractions about cycles of relational violence, to
real scenarios.
Nevertheless, here are some things to consider:
I. Cycles of relational violence perpetuate when there is an abuser and a target... or a bully and a target. When there are no abusers -- there are no targets. When there are no targets -- there are no abusers. Cycles must have two participants.
For example: abusive family members perpetuate cycles of relational violence, within abusive families, whereby family members often swap roles, within the same family. But... within non-abusive families, there are no abusers nor targets. Hence, non-abusive families do not perpetuate cycles of violence.
In our society, there are two camps: supporters of abusers (and bullys) and supporters of targets (and victims). While approaches that derive from such perspectives,
do yield some utility, some of the time... such approaches are not always beneficial, appropriate, or applicable,
all the time. Instead, the corollary to the simple fact, that cycles of relational violence require
two participants, is the following: cycles of relational violence can, at the very least, be altered, if not halted altogether, if and when,
either participant changes their own behavior.
Moreover, while better case scenarios, involve abusers who lead such changes -- the value of this perspective lies within its underlying assumption that
targets can be change agents.
NB: this should not be confused with victim blaming or victim shaming. In no way whatsoever do I (nor anyone of sound mind) condone victim blaming or victim shaming.
Rather, targets benefit from encouragement and support to explore their range of social, emotional, and behavioral options... that may, at the very least, ameliorate their experiences of abuse, if not eliminate them altogether.
II. Cycles of relational violence are sustained when both abusers and targets... get something from these relationships... toxic, though these relational interactions, may be.
Consider: if this problem is so pervasive and so endemic... why aren't all of us... abusers and targets? Because, regardless of how inexplicable it may be, for us, as bystanders, to appreciate what is gained by cycles of relational violence, participants gain something, from these relationships.
It may be as simple as: (1) any attention, including abuse or an audience for abuse, is preferred to the absence of attention, for an attention-seeking target or attention-seeking abuser; or as complex as (2) provoking an abuser or persecuting a target, satisfies an impulse to exert power and/or control over an abuser or a target; etc.
Although media tends to portray ideal relationships as idyllic, real relationships are rarely so simple. Instead, our inclination to maintain relationships that meet our needs to a varying degree, vary in degree, by our inclination... among a host of other influencing factors and contributing components.
Hopefully, for most of us, our real relationships are approximately 80 - 20 positive - negative. But... others... especially those with specific influencing factors and specific contributing components, may tolerate relationships akin to 20 - 80 positive - negative... within which, they experience cycles of relational violence.
Moreover, it's not up to us, as bystanders, to decide whether or not the relationships of others, are worthwhile. Instead, it's up to us, as bystanders to
support each other, to make autonomous decisions.
III. Cycles of relational violence can be fixed, temporarily, by various overt extrinsic interventions. But... this approach does little to equip abusers and targets with the cognitive, behavioral, and emotional capacity, to desist from or resist, future cycles of relational violence, within other settings with others.
Rather, insofar as eliminating cycles of relational violence, is our ultimate goal, we must acknowledge that both abusers and targets, benefit from encouragement, support, and concrete capacity building, with regard to fostering positive and empowering, cognitive, behavioral, and emotional strategies for sustaining mutually healthy relationships.
Justifying disproportionately draconian retribution for abusers, on the one hand, while bestowing dubiously beneficent succor for targets, on the other... is
not an ideal solution to the problem of cycles of relational violence.
Why not?
Because a target in one situation, may be an abuser in another... an abuser in one situation, may be a target in another... for what generates the roles appropriated by participants in one
cycle of relational violence, may generate a role reversal
in another cycle of relational violence.
If eliminating cycles of relational violence, is our ultimate goal, then the solution
must include
both abusers
and targets, for these roles are often, two sides of the same coin.
Important Caveats
Of course... because cycles of relational violence are moving targets, with many moving parts, that include many influencing factors and many contributing components, which result in infinite permutations of cycles of relational violence... there are caveats to points
I, II, and
III, of which, the following, are illustrative, but not exhaustive:
- Some cycles of relational violence are so volatile, that points I, II, and III take a back seat, to SAFETY PLANNING. Too often, abusers, targets, and bystanders, dismiss concerns of safety, until relational violence escalates to serious and/or fatal harm.
- When influencing factors or contributing components include SUBSTANCE USE disorders or mental health diagnoses, then points I, II, and III take a back seat, to treatment. Substance use disorders and mental health diagnoses, are substantially ameliorable, through treatment -- notwithstanding, that effective treatments for both, often indirectly address point III.
- When either the abuser or the target is a child, then points I, II, and III take a back seat, to assessing the child's risk for self-harm, harm to others, and harm by a caregiver. Needless to say, if a child is found not to be at risk for imminent self-harm, harm to others, or harm by a caregiver -- recommendations pursuant to such assessments may and/or may not benefit children and caregivers, especially with regards to the flexibility of system wide policies and/or procedural guidelines.
- Point II may be NON-APPLICABLE to individuals with specific physical disabilities or deficits, specific cognitive disabilities or deficits, specific mental health diagnoses, specific substance use disorders, and/or specific children.
- Cycles of relational violence often occur among those whose status and/or power, differ, i.e. social, financial, positional, legal, etc. Often, these imbalances of power, lend a mistaken aura of powerlessness and helplessness, to such cycles of relational violence. However, this hurdle is not always insurmountable. Otherwise... very few targets would escape cycles of relational violence... and we know that this is simply not so.
Final Thoughts
It's seductive to seek an easy fix to cycles of relational violence... from zero tolerance policies towards bullying within schools... to strong arm court orders of protection and restraint...
But quick fixes rarely destroy the underlying framework, upon which, cycles of relational violence, thrive and perpetuate. Until we're willing to face the complexity of such relationships... we, as bystanders, will continue to remain ill-equipped to support each other... in pursuit of mutually healthy relationships.
More
After watching the
documentary Bully (viewable for a limited time on PBS)... I felt inspired to blog about bullying... however, bullying, imo, exists within a broader social context... than children within our public school system.
For bullying isn't an isolated phenomenon. Nor is it isolated to educational institutions for children. Rather, it's one of
many forms of relational violence, endemic to human societies.
Thus... devising strategies to combat bullying, with campaigns that seek to explain why it exists, what sustains it, and how to fix it, are often mired in specificity.
Why?
Because we examine certain types of relational violence, like bullying, with a focus that zeros in on details. Instead, if we examine relational violence -- with nonspecificity -- we invite ourselves to seek solutions that are inexplicably invisible, otherwise.
In fact, even when strategies to combat bullying borrow from the framework for combating the poster child of relational violence, viz. domestic violence, the issue of specificity still persists. Because, as with bullying, domestic violence, and other forms of relational violence, when we split ourselves into camps (i.e. supporters of perpetrators of violence versus supporters of victims), we invariably do so, on the grounds of specifics.
Hence, my use of less specific --
cycles of relational violence -- as well as less specific --
abusers and
targets -- was intentionally distancing... from the vociferously contested battleground of disputable personal details, account details, and historical details... that often plague our social conversations and ongoing dialogue, about bullying, hazing, domestic violence, and other forms of relational violence.
As for, what to do, if you or someone you know, is an abuser or a target, within a cycle of relational violence, there is
so much information and
so many resources, readily available on the Internet and elsewhere. In the end, breaking free from a cycle of violence is well worth exploring
many options. Moreover, no one site nor one strategy, will be universally, as beneficial, appropriate, or applicable, across every possible real life scenario, for every abuser or target.
However... if you are a bystander... then let's encourage and support each other's autonomy, first and foremost, by fostering mutually healthy relationships,
ourselves, and avoiding that which does little to ameliorate anyone's real experiences of relational violence, much less, halt cycles of relational violence, altogether.
Note
Here's an article from
Psychology Today that addresses our social and political dialogue about bullying and suicide in schools. Included, is a link to
this article, that presents a concrete strategy that targets of bullying (as well as abusers), can adopt, to become change agents (see point
I, above), within a cycle of relational violence.
Bear in mind that
nuance is vital with regards to proceeding with care, with regards to implementing
this or
any strategy to address cycles of relational violence.
However, with respect to
healing cycles of relational violence, much of the resources linked via the the article above, are steps along a path towards harmony for targets
and abusers.
Disclaimer:
The opinions presented herewith are (i) solely my own, (ii) solely for entertainment purposes, and (iii) not a substitute for the advice and recommendations of a professional. Nevertheless, the content presented herewith, derive from - direct and indirect - personal and professional - knowledge and experiences - on the topic at hand.
Hugs, M.
